


Still Continue to Be

by ac_MaryAgnes



Category: The Walking Dead (TV)
Genre: F/M, Fix-It of Sorts, and i'm deeply sorry, but it's a good thing, i switch tenses towards the end, selfish people being selfish
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-22
Updated: 2018-06-22
Packaged: 2019-05-26 17:10:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,358
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15005492
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ac_MaryAgnes/pseuds/ac_MaryAgnes
Summary: "Some things were broken long before the world ended."





	Still Continue to Be

**Author's Note:**

> “If all else perished, and he remained, I should still continue to be; and if all else remained, and he were annihilated, the universe would turn to a mighty stranger.” - Emily Bronte (Catherine Earnshaw: 'Wuthering Heights')
> 
> Which is pretty much what happened to Lori when Shane died. Sort of. 
> 
> Lori and Shane remind me very much of Catherine and Heathcliff. Both passionate, both selfish, both lead each other to ruin. I always thought Catherine and Heathcliff deserved better, and so did Lori and Shane.

Her marriage was falling apart.

That’s what she thought first thing in the morning, staring up at the ceiling. She thought it as she made Carl lunch (vegetable soup was the best they could manage today). She thought it as she stretched her back out after hours of being bent over the washboard. And as she gazed at her husband across the dinner fire, she thought it again.

Lori Grimes’ marriage was falling apart, and neither she nor Rick could be damned to do something about it.

Rick, who went out on more and more patrols, more and more dangerous runs for supplies. Who stayed out on watch longer than any other member of their sad little group of lost souls. Rick, who could hardly look at her when they were in the same room anymore, and who did his damndest to never be alone with her. But he swore up and down he never stopped thinking about her or Carl while he was away. That they were the only things in his life worth living for now. That he’s thankful every day that he was able to come home to them.

He was always better at lying to himself than Lori was.

If Lori were interested in deluding herself, she’d blame their distance on the zombie apocalypse. The stress of their entire world falling apart, of having to re-kill friends and loved ones. The constant anxiety of their current situation could tear even the tightest relationships apart. That’s what Lori would think if she wanted to lie to herself. But that was never something she was in the habit of.

No, she and Rick had started drifting apart long before the world imploded. Arguing over stupid things, sweeping the more important parts of themselves under the rug. Not that the Walkers and the running and the stress helped their marriage. But late nights and general dissatisfaction were common in their home for… She wasn’t sure exactly when it had started, only that it never seemed to change. Luckily, Carl didn’t seem to notice too much. He still followed after his father like a puppy, learning everything Rick or Daryl could spare to teach him. And he complained about having a bed time and having to eat nothing but vegetables for three meals in a row when Daryl couldn’t bring back a deer or rabbit.

Shane had noticed, though. And Shane was… Well, he wasn’t a bad man, not really. Impatient, sure; immature at times. Competitive and brash and pushy. Selfish, absolutely. And when the world went to shit, all that became even more pronounced. But he was strong, and he listened to her when she had something to say. He understood her anger and never held it against her. But he didn't just let her walk all over him, oh no - Shane Walsh was no one's doormat. Yell at him, he'll come back twice as loud. And she'd needed that in this new, strange world. Shane had loved her and Carl, protected them from the very beginning when they had no one else. He still did, as much as he could. Whenever Walkers came close, Shane’s first movements were to Lori, to protect her and her son with everything he was. It was hard to ignore something like that, to not fall a little bit in love with a man like that.

Even now, after Rick had been back for a while, Shane’s eyes tracked Lori the moment she stepped into a room and followed her closely until she stepped out of it. He knew when she and Rick fought – when they cared enough to talk to each other - and as soon as he could, he got her alone. He stood close but never crowded her. Unless he thought he could get away with it. And lately, it was getting harder and harder for Lori to push him back. Having the attention, having someone look _at_ her and talk _to_ her and care – even a little – about what _she_ thought… it was nice.

Especially when her marriage was falling apart.

* * *

Shane Walsh was not a patient man. Lori knew this, had known it for years – almost as long as she’d known him. When he’d been shanghaied into trying to teach some of the others how to shoot, Lori had just shaken her head. It didn’t go well, or last very long. He’d ended up yelling at his poor pupils, including Beth Greene (and didn’t Daryl just glare at the man for days after that). Poor Beth; Lori found herself hoping she was wrong in thinking the girl wouldn’t last long. She was the sweetest little thing, but so incredibly fragile it was heart breaking. And Shane was like a bull in a china shop, the way he handled her instruction.

It was different when it was Carl. They were close, almost like family since this whole thing started. They’d go frog hunting or practice throwing knives at the fence posts, two dark heads bent together as they conspired about whatever boys conspired about. She'd tried to put a stop to it when Rick first returned, but Carl didn't understand why Lori's back went up whenever they were together, and Rick actually seemed to think it was a great idea for Shane to teach Carl somethings. And so they'd spend hours together doing all sorts. But Shane was still Shane. He would get frustrated that her boy wasn’t learning some skill fast enough and he’d get mean and yell. Lori would give him a look before it really got that far – a _‘don’t you dare’_ kind of look – and Shane would hold it in, get red and shuffle his feet and eventually tell Carl to go find something else to do. Then he’d kick the dirt and chop wood for a while, work out his frustration.

He’d come find her after a few hours, sweaty and tired and feeling more like himself.

Today was no different.

“It’s not that I don’t like kids,” he said after watching her for a few minutes. Well, Lori was pretty sure he was watching her ass as she was bent over the wash bin. Whatever. “Carl’s a good boy. Respectful. Honest. Smart as a whip, too. I just....” 

“Not everyone can teach people, Shane,” Lori signed. Pressing her hands into the small of her back, she stood upright and turned to look at him. “You’re better at other things. Let Daryl or Dale or Glenn teach them all to shoot.”

Shane got a smug look on his face, trying to be cute but kinda failing. “I’m good at a lot of things, Lor.” He pushed off the fence he’d been leaning on and loped his way towards her. “I’m pretty sure you remember that.”

Lori hummed out of her nose and propped herself against the bin next to her. Crossing her arms, she decided she’d wait to see what he’d do before she said anything. It was a power play, just like the way he leaned into her space as she waited him out.

She won. Shane never could stand silence for too long.

“I’d leave the teaching to Rick, but he ain’t here.”

“Gone on a supply run with some of the others,” Lori told him. Shane shifted closer and Lori could feel the heat of his chest against her arm. If she took a deep breath, she could probably smell the sweat and sunshine on his skin.

He dropped his eyes and stared at her left hand. She could hardly believe it when he reached up to play with the tips of her fingers. “Rick ain’t been here a lot lately.”

Lori chewed on her words before softly admitting: “Rick ain’t been here for a while, Shane.”

He took a deep breath and let it out slow, ducking his head to look back over his shoulder; no one was around to be a witness. Closing the distance between them, Shane looked back up at her. Those dark eyes burned as he moved, giving her plenty of time to push him away if she really wanted to.

Lori felt the puff of his breath against her cheek and let her eyes slide closed as his lips brushed against hers.

Kissing Rick had always been sweet. Sunlight and cotton candy and picnics on Sunday; that’s what kissing Rick had been like. Before it was perfunctory. Before the monotony and routine and depressing grey existence of their lives together crept in and started suffocating the life out them. Kissing Shane was heat. Fire and rushing blood and breath-stealing shock. He might have started small, just brushing his lips against hers, but Shane Walsh never did anything by halves. And having all of his attention on her scorched her skin, coiled heat deep in her core, made her _want_ and _yearn_.

Lori’s hands came up and she pushed him back a step. “Shane-“

“God _damn_ it, Lor.” His eyes were still hot on her face, desire and anger warring with each other across his features.

“Shane, you know we can’t.”

“If the world hadn’t ended, you’d’ve had Rick declared dead way before he came back. Or you’d’ve divorced him by now.”

“But he did come back and we didn’t divorce.”

“Well, you two sure as shit aren’t married like you were.”

“That’s not for you to say, Shane.”

His hands flexed against her hips as he stared down at where her palms were pressed against his chest. “You gotta talk to him, Lori. You gotta tell him, or I will and you won’t like how I do it.”

“Shane-“

“I’ll tell him how I fell in love with you, how happy and safe you and Carl were with me. I’ll tell him how I know I make you feel, and how I learned all the ways to make you squirm and beg and moan for me. I’ll tell him I spend every day thinking about you, how I’ll burn the whole goddamn world just to get you back if I have to. I’ll tell him that I know he had you first, but I’m gonna have you for the rest of our lives and how I can tell that he don’t even _want_ you any more so why the _fuck_ should you have to stay stuck to him like this?!”

“Shane, stop it.” Lori pushed him further away, taking a step back as she went. “That’s cruel. Don’t you be cruel to me.”

And there was the selfish Shane, the one who couldn’t stand to not have his way. “Then you have to tell him, Lori. Tell him about you and me. Tell him you don’t want him anymore because I know you don’t.”

 _‘My marriage is falling apart.’_ She could almost feel the tears welling in her eyes, but held them back. _‘My whole life is.’_

“Nothing is that easy. You know that.”

“And you think this is?” His face turned thunderous, blood filling his face. “You think I enjoy watching you fade away, watching him ignore you, when I _know_ – I goddamn **KNOW** – that I’m a hundred times better for you and this could all be fixed if you’d just fucking _leave him_?”

“And what about Carl? Huh?” Lori’s voice shot up to match his. “I have to think about him and what he’s been through!”

“That boy is stronger than you wanna admit, Lori. You can’t use him as an excuse! This ain’t about him. This is about you and me and Rick. That’s all.”

Lori’s breath caught in her throat and she squeezed her eyes shut. The weight, the stifling weight of everything was crushing her. Everything Shane wanted, everything Rick ignored. And what did Lori want? She just wanted to be loved, and not have to worry anymore. She wanted things to back to the way they were before all this started. She wanted her kitchen, and her bedroom, and PTA meetings. She wanted to talk to Paula and Evie. She wanted to drink wine and watch Sixteen Candles. She wanted coffee and chocolate and to worry about her waistline. Everyday things; mundane things. She didn’t want to think about what would happen if she died today or tomorrow. She didn’t want to worry about losing Carl forever.

“I just want to be happy again,” she admitted, her voice a small thing that hung between them. “I want my life back and I want to be happy.”

Shane swallowed and hung his head. “I can’t give you your life back, girl. No one can. But I know I can make you happy. I did it before and if you let me, I’ll do it for the rest of our lives.”

And that’s when Lori realises that she's just as selfish as Shane is, because she _wants_ him. She wants him and the promise of forever and the passion they have. She wants the fights and the sex and the knowledge that every morning when she wakes up, he’s gonna be there. She wants to be able to get mad and know he won’t waver; that he’ll stand tall against her wrath, not freeze her out. Shane will give as good as he gets and Lori is a selfish, selfish creature because she wants that _so_ _bad_.

She opens her eyes and looks at him. When she speaks again, her voice is quiet but strong. “What do we tell the others?”

Shane’s head snaps up, eyes wide, face slack with disbelief. “Th-The truth," he finally manages. "We thought Rick was dead, and we tried to do right by him when we realised he wasn’t. But some things don’t work out the way everyone thinks they’re supposed to.”

“Some things were broken long before the world ended.”

Shane nodded and took a few cautious steps towards her. “Yeah,” he breathed, hands slowly coming up to cup her elbows. “Some were.”

Lori swallowed and brought a hand up to his face, cupping his cheek in her palm. “You’d really burn the world down for me?”

He gave her a smirk, his full lips quirking to the side. “You really think I wouldn’t?”

**Author's Note:**

> I never will understand why I love rarepairs so much but I do. So thank you for putting up with me.


End file.
